I think i really am tired, i'm tired of everything. I'm scared. I'm scared to try, i'm scared to ask for,

Sometimes, walking away means the exact opposite.

我忘了呼吸 !!!

a step at a time,

a decision at the time,

a mistake over time,

repent through time.

I’ve been mentally occupied. Someone once said that a working mind is attractive. However, my mind is not attracting the right flow of thoughts. So this may be an entry (rant) just to shake things up a little for myself. I have been very occupied off late. I can’t put down to a finger exactly what that may be but many stirring thoughts in my mind are leading me to feel a tad bit of tiredness.

Sigh.

It’s a bunch of reasons. And to some degree, expectations. It’s like the story of Two Lines that I play in my head. Two similar lines on a journey sharing a parallel path but they never meet. I have been trying to process some thoughts off late and started my binary exercise again. Asking questions with a simple ”yes” or ”no” platform and working down the chain. Binary, I know, told you so.

Double Sigh/ (Sigh. Sigh)

I guess what would’ve have helped if things were pretty much on schedule when I first began but I am still waiting patiently for all to fall in place. Matter of weeks now, but I must admit, it has dramatically slowed me down. I just wished it all came sooner and I had quicker answers to some numbing thoughts in my head. It’s been exhausting processing these fine verbatims in my head. I shall be patient since it’s suppose to be a virtue after all.

You’ve gotta be patient with me, I don’t know where this entry is heading to just yet. I was getting some work done but the internet has been extremely slow and the IE browswer had so many bugs in it that didn’t allow me to upload and make changes to certain parts of my work. I’m annoyed and again, if only the new computer comes then will I be able to configure it to my desire and start pumping some real material out. (Yes, I’m in the office)

I’m heavy.

In thoughts and feelings, I know. I guess that’s just me to begin with. I have been rather poetic in my scribbles and I continue to flirt with such lines in my journal. It’s been extremely engaging. Mind you, it’s not always like that. Consider this, a season on its own.

I’m heavy.

Loaded with responsibilities and expectations. I know the journey ahead is an entirely new course for me at the moment. I walk afraid but try my best. I am being very careful and covering all grounds before my eyes sink to the ground. I feel alone, lacking support and continue to press on. But I know I’ve made the choice and as much as I’m excited and gearing heavy to move out, I also measure my risks along the way. I think what I’m trying to say here is, there hasn’t been much great momentum so far. There’s been some burst of sprints here and there, but otherwise nothing to push me for the long haul. I am writing honestly because I want to look back after 3 years to see what my thought processes were in this new landmark journey for myself.

I call myself a writer/actor/marketer/technology interest/strategist/creatitve juice machine and personal friend to some and a friend to many – but I can’t help asking myself again, what am I exactly doing? I know for a fact that I’m embarking on this journey of entrepreneurship but do I dare call myself that? An entrepreneuer. If the definition remains as

a person who organizes and manages any enterprise, esp. a business, usually with considerable initiative and risk, then this may be true.

To what enterprise may this be then? I can’t mention at this point because it’s still in the brewing kitchen but development has begun and I’m thrilled to be on such a movement. There’s more coming and I’ll share relevant updates along the way. But this is not about that, not this entry at least.

Stretching further, the shy reserved side of me would rather not stretch but I told myself, if you’ve gotta try and give all you got in anything you do and that’s just what I’m doing.

慢慢累积起来的闷气会转换成一种厌倦

January hasn't been the greatest start for me. What more with residue spillovers from the neighboring year. As the cursor blinks and I try much to pen my thoughts down, I find myself coming in and out of thorough reflections. There is just so much happening within me, around me and in the world at present. Breaking news of disasters whether man made or otherwise, the presence of mortality is so evident before us.

I am unsure if the current happenings is a blessing or my road to recovery permits a silver lining at the end of the day I am aware of this though, I had to slow things down a lot. Frankly, I’m not very used to that. The pace I meant. I am fine with taking a holiday and getting good rest when great work is done. Not this start and stop symphony, where momentum building is practically a funeral at best. I am trying my best to manage this.

“Patience asks us to live the moment to the fullest, to be completely present to the moment, to taste the here and now, to be where we are. When we are impatient we try to get away from where we are. We behave as if the real thing will happen tomorrow, later and somewhere else. Let’s be patient and trust that the treasure we look for is hidden in the ground on which we stand.”

My patience is wearing thin for a lot things, some rooted much deeper than what I have written here. But I wait, for the unknown. I do hope, that at end of it all, I will have good attitude, and that hidden treasure I may find, may be good and I can stand firm appreciating it.

有时也不知该说什么好

就什么都不说了

真的

不想迎合

不想牵就

真的好累

I don’t think writing this will be easy to put together. It’s been a while and when I could churn miles of words, I have been more careful off late about how things should be written or sound like. Either way, there’s been a change.

And that’s how my year has been – a year of change.

I have fought many battles and yet to win a war. I didn’t find the warrior in me but I found what it meant standing up for what you believe in. I had to learn quickly that retreating is an option. To list them all would be merely stating the facts and losing the story. I wish I had a story that I could share to wrap up my year. Instead, I probably spent more time this year collecting stories of others, and paying attention to their stories instead. They have inspired me.

To think the earlier years had me staying at home and choosing to revise, how quickly I see a gear shift whereby now, I, stay home and realize. It has been a big year for reflection and some deflection.

If you’ve been catching up with me via the blog, I just wanted to extend my appreciation. For your time and effort in communicating and giving me that push and lift when I needed them most. When I took a break from the blog sphere, not intentionally, it was how life was taking over and shaping other priorities of mine that just needed that attention and care, I submitted to serve that portion of my life.

The pulse of this blog is in the beautiful interaction with the thoughts in my mind and the occasional valuable feedback that helps me in my walk. As you know (if you’ve read), there’s been a transition in the workplace, life, and everything else around it. Some more personal that doesn’t allow such open forum discussions but still represents the part and parcel of what we call life.

I am looking forward to tomorrow. I also look forward to sharing this one day with full effect that I believe in what I do, that sense of balance.

“Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling some five balls in the air. You name them – Work, Family, Health, Friends and Spirit and you’re keeping all of these in the Air.

You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back.

But the other four balls – Family, Health, Friends and Spirit – are made of glass. If you drop one of these; they will be irrevocable scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged or even shattered. They will never be the same. You must understand that and strive for it.”

Work efficiently during office hours and leave on time. Give the required time to your family, friends & have proper rest.

I am taking a walk in my mind, leaving some behind and starting anew for the new year in kind. This process of find is a new bind.

世界上最遥远的距离莫过于明明无法抵挡这股想念，却还得故意装作丝毫没有把你放在心上